HEAVEN – In a surprising turn of events, former Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards arrived at the pearly gates this week, where she was met by St. Peter, clipboard in hand, and a look of quiet concern. Sources say she attempted to enter Heaven under the pretense of having "helped countless women make their own choices."
St. Peter reportedly flipped through the book of life, raised an eyebrow, and asked, “So, about those ‘choices’—care to elaborate?”
Unfazed, Richards launched into a polished pitch she’d clearly practiced during her congressional testimony days. “Well, you see, I was a champion for healthcare. I empowered women to live their truth.”
Peter frowned. “Empowered them to what, exactly?”
At this point, Richards pulled out a binder labeled Reproductive Justice Talking Points, complete with bullet points about “bodily autonomy” and “access for all.” Unfortunately, her attempts to use heavenly jargon like “divine choice” only earned her an unimpressed stare.
“Well,” Peter said after a long pause, “we don’t really do spin up here. But I can tell you this: our policy has been the same since Genesis—‘Be fruitful and multiply’—not ‘Be fruitful and terminate.’”
Witnesses claim Richards grew flustered and began frantically gesturing to the streets of gold. “You don’t understand,” she argued. “I spent my life helping people. I even worked with politicians to get federal funding!”
Peter glanced over at an angel who whispered, “Uh, yeah, about that funding—those receipts are being reviewed in the other place.”
Sources say Richards made a last-ditch effort to negotiate her entry by offering St. Peter a donation in the form of unused campaign funds. She even complimented the pearly gates, calling them "a perfect metaphor for accessibility." However, the angelic audit team informed her that Heaven operates on a strict policy of treasure stored in Heaven, not on Earth.
“Look, Ms. Richards,” St. Peter said, handing her a pamphlet titled Eternal Consequences 101, “ there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is... well, you’re not on the guest list. But the good news? We’ve recently updated our Heavenly Amnesty Program. All you need is repentance and a contrite heart.”
Unfortunately, Richards declined the offer, citing her dedication to “living her truth.” She was last seen trying to negotiate with Hell's (perhaps unsurprisingly large) HR department, though sources say she was shocked to discover their benefits package includes “eternal torment” and no maternity leave.
In related news, St. Peter has announced a workshop for incoming souls titled Free Will and the Fine Print: Why Choices Matter for Eternity. Protestants and Catholics alike are encouraged to attend.
I hope you enjoyed that piece! On a more serious note, let’s take a moment to say a quick prayer for those who are lost, that they may find God’s truth and love.
Prayer for the Lost Heavenly Father, We lift up to You all those who are lost, wandering far from Your truth, especially those who have led others astray. In Your infinite mercy, open their hearts to Your love and their eyes to Your light. Lead them to repentance, so they may turn away from the darkness and embrace the life You offer through Your Son, Jesus Christ.
Grant them the grace to see the value of every life, born and unborn, and to recognize Your image in every soul. May the Holy Spirit stir within them, guiding them to seek You with humility and sincerity. Help us, Lord, to pray for them with compassion, trusting in Your power to bring even the most hardened hearts to salvation.
We ask this in the name of Jesus Christ, our Savior. Amen.